Alice: Month Two

Well month two was hard in a different way than month one. I feel like no matter what, with your first child every stage of their life is an adjustment and a learning experience. Unfortunately for Alice and I there was more that went on than just the normal newborn things. She cried A LOT. I seriously could hardly put her down without her crying. My mom would always say that newborns were supposed to mostly just eat, poop, and sleep..sleep a lot. Well Alice did not sleep. I was literally going crazy. I attempted to go back to work when she was only 4 weeks old. I was lucky enough to be able to do it at home but even still that WAS so hard. Word to the wise don't try to come back to work after 4 weeks. It added another element of stress that was unnecessary. At about 6 weeks I started to notice that Alice was looking so skinny still. She was still wearing newborn size clothes...and they weren't even tight on her. She also wasn't pooping EVER and she still was not sleeping much. After many tears my mom came with me to take her to the doctor. They weighed her and she only weighed 8lbs 3oz (she was born at 7lbs 13oz)she was in the tenth percentile and I FREAKED. I told the doctor all of our issues and they recommended supplementing after every feed and me going off dairy in case that was causing problems with the poop. If I was stressed before... this brought it to a new level. I started giving her like 3oz of formula after every feeding and I went off dairy (which was horrible). I honestly didn't see a ton of progression and I was a total nut job. I went to a lactation specialist and truly tried everything I could to keep breast feeding. I cried 24/7 because I felt like if I stopped breast feeding I would be a bad mom, weak, or a quitter. I wanted someone to tell me it was okay...but that's a huge decision to make for yourself and I knew no one was going to tell me what to do. You want what is best for your baby at all times and its literally drilled in your brain that breast feeding is the ONLY way. While I do agree that it is the best option, I'm so grateful it is not the only option. I was finally able to make a decision when my mom suggested letting her eat a full formula bottle and see what happened. First off she took 6 oz! I couldn't believe that pewny little thing could drink that much. The second thing that happened was she slept for SIX hours straight...SIX HOURS!!! I was happy for 45 minutes of sleep and I could not believe it. That night I went home and pumped...I should have been more than engorged since we skipped a full feeding. I pumped for an entire hour and only got 3oz... TOTAL. That was the final straw in making my decision to stop breast feeding. Our lives seriously changed after that. She was a new baby! She NEVER cried and she started taking 3 hour naps and sleeping 5-6 hour stretches at night. She chunked right up and was finally wearing 0-3 month clothes within a week of being formula fed. I felt so relieved and then I felt terrible at the same time because I was basically starving my baby for 7 weeks!! Since then I've gotten a few looks at church when I whip out the bottle (you're just jealous because I don't have to sit in the stinky mother's lounge) and I've actually had a couple people tell me how "sad" it is that I'm not breastfeeding anymore...but I feel great! My baby and I are HAPPY and I feel "sad" for women who judge others for not breastfeeding because you never know why a mother chose formula and I'm sure the decision is never made lightly! Its so hard with babies because its a constant guessing game and you never really know. Looking back now I am grateful I had to go through that hard time because it really taught me to appreciate my sweet baby and it also gave me a TON of compassion for women who go through the same thing or worse. Needless to say the second month was a rough one. If I'm being honest I really can't think of any specific milestones that were met because I was so STRESSED all the time. I'm sure she did something noteworthy in her second month and hopefully she'll forgive me for not remembering the specifics. Lets just say at the end of month 2 she was SLEEPING, not crying, smiling TONS, LOVING bath time, and LOVING formula.

Alice: Month One

I'm going to be honest, motherhood is literally the hardest thing I've ever done. Month one of Alice's life is kind of a blur! I was just telling my sister Melanie that I feel like when you are at the hospital you are just bursting with more love than you ever thought was possible and then you come home and reality sets in. While you are still so head over heels in love with your new baby, this is also the time where you have to transform from being selfish to selfless. After my mom left (which felt like the worst day ever) I felt like a psychotic, stressed, zombie shell of myself that had no CLUE what the crap I was doing and honestly thought everyday "what did I get myself into?" I feel that women have the natural motherly instincts of course but I also believe that those first weeks are what truly shape you into a mother. I know that I will make mistakes as a mother and I'm definitely not saying you get it all figured out in the first weeks, but I do feel like that's when the most important transformation happens because you learn to completely forget about yourself. Its not easy...but it is SO unbelievably worth it. I truly feel like this is my purpose in life and that nothing will ever be more important to me than being a mother (and a wife of course). That being said....

Our first month was extra hard. Breast feeding did not come easy for Alice or I. In fact breast feeding was the pits. I tried everything...I really did and I cannot tell you the kind of guilt and stress that comes when you feel like breast feeding is not working for you and your baby. Word of advice...if you know someone struggling with breastfeeding and thinking of quitting or someone who already quit or never even tried, don't judge them. I'll talk more about this in her 2 month post. Other JOYOUS things that happened this first month:
-She was SO aware of her surroundings for a newborn (and still is)
-At 3 weeks she gave us her first smiles
-She visibly loved her daddy and he could calm her down every time he talked to her.
-She hated her baths (but this was before her cord fell off..I would hate a cold sponge bath too)
-She rarely slept...but she LOVED to sleep with mama. Yes I'm horrible and I let her sleep with me in my bed. But I was careful! She loved sleeping in my arms a ton too. Don't judge me for that either!! Desperate times call for desperate measures. Quite frankly I'm happy I didn't listen to all the books/advice I heard about not holding your baby too much. I truly believe you can't spoil a newborn and I will absolutely treasure the many moments I got to snuggle with my tiny baby and let her fall asleep in my arms.

My heart is so full and I can't imagine life without her. We love her so much and we can't wait for all of the months/years to come. Here's some pic from our angel's first month of life

Pregnancy, Delivery, & Baby

So I thought I would be so cool and post all the time during my pregnancy...more for personal record and less for people to read...BUT I suck. Well our baby is here! I want to do a little review of everything that has happened. Here we go...

Pregnancy
Honestly, pregnancy treated me pretty good. I was so CONVINCED that I would turn into a huge whale...but surprisingly I didn't! I know I'm as surprised as you are. Anyways, I had moments of crazy hormones (Ben can tell ya all about that!) but really I couldn't have asked for a smoother pregnancy. The waiting game was the worst part of pregnancy for me, oh and also the horribly uncomfortable sleep. I LOVED sonograms and I especially LOVED feeling her move inside me. That has got to be the coolest feeling of all time and I really do miss it so much. So of course Ben wanted a boy...but when we found out it was a GIRL.. we were thrilled! I seriously knew it was a girl all along. We decided early on that we would name her Alice- after my mom. I couldn't wait to meet her!! Like I said I HATED the waiting game. I also hated how I was a paranoid freak about everything. The "What If" game almost made me crazy. But I made it through and she is here and she is PERFECT. Here are a series of pregnancy pictures...I'm really glad I took them! Its so fun to see the slow progression of my belly, and hopefully they will be fun for Alice to see some day too!

Delivery
Remember my smooth pregnancy? Well I think that was a gift because God knew the kind of terrible labor/delivery I was going to face. I was a week late and Dr. Beck set a date/time for my induction which was January 24th(Friday) at 3am. I tried all week long to get her to come on her own...I swear I bounced on a yoga ball for like 10 hours a day, went on a ton of walks, ate almost an ENTIRE pineapple etc. NOTHING worked. Thursday night came and I was so nervous! I did not know what to expect...and that's a GREAT thing. I ended up not going in until about 5am and I was all hooked up to everything by about 6am. The waiting game BEGAN. By about 11am my water broke all on its own...which we thought was a GREAT sign. After that the contractions came...and holy crap I can't even find words to describe the agonizing pain. Seriously...hats off to women who do a completely natural labor...because I think I would die...literally die. So I tried to stick it out for about an hour or so, then I was like...SCREW that give me the epidural. I was honestly terrified of the epidural but, surprisingly, it didn't hurt AT ALL to have a needle jammed up your spine. I really would have done anything to not feel the contractions. So after that I felt super warm and cozy ahhhh no more pain. So in the later afternoon the baby's heart rate started to drop to about 80 every time I had a contraction, (its supposed to be between 120-150) and so they turned off the Pitocin, put oxygen on me, and turned me on my side. That scared me a little but it was all good until my epidural started to drip to that one side which caused me to be able to feel my other side. NOT FUN. Anyways to make a LONG labor (22 hours) story short...I ended up getting a HORRIBLE night nurse. I could literally write a blog post that's all about her..that's how horrible she was! But here is a short description of how terrible she was: I was already dilated to an eight and she wouldn't check on me for about an hour OR MORE at a time. She almost let my epidural run out. She had terrible bedside manner..EXAMPLE: "Oh this baby is NEVER coming" "You're going to be pushing FOREVER" "You're definitely not having this baby anytime soon" and so on. Her horrible CACKLE of a laugh. Once I was "ready"..she kept basically telling me I sucked at pushing and would not let my mom and sister help me hold my legs..no she wanted ME to hold them myself (uhhhh do you see these things...they are huge AND not to mention completely lifeless)..the list really goes on and on. Early on in the pushing process we found out that the baby was face up...so she should have called the doctor right away..but she was a know it all idiot and refused to. Ben and my sister asked her to and she kept snapping at them and saying "this baby is not ready for delivery!" I didn't really know all of this was happening because no one wanted to stress me out. I was already about dead. I was going on about 38 hours with no food or drink and I was trying to push a human out of me for over two hours. Anyways...I kept looking at my mom who looked VERY alarmed. My mom is a nurse so she knew exactly what was going on. What I didn't know was that the baby's heart rate was now dropping to 70 every time I had a contraction because she was face up and that is bad bad. So she finally calls Dr. Beck and when he gets there you can tell he had no idea the stress the baby was under and he said "we have to get this baby out now". He literally turned her in 1 minute and then had her out in about 5 minutes (this required some snip snip *OUCH* and a vacuum). So basically my nurse sucked and prolonged my labor by 2 hours and almost hurt my sweet angel baby. But the important part is that she came out healthy. I am forever grateful for Dr. Beck..he was like my guardian angel. So here are an assortment of pictures from delivery. WARNING: I look awful

SIDE NOTE: I could not have had the strength to go through what I went through without the support system I had at the hospital. My husband, mom, and sister Melanie were the best and I love them all to the moon and back. DOUBLE SIDE NOTE/FUNNY STORY: The horrible nurse ate my French fries. Yes you read that right...after I had the baby my mom got me a burger and fries...she came in to check my blood pressure and said "I didn't have my lunch would you mind if I stole a few fries?" Then she proceeded to take a handful. She took my blood pressure and then said "those were good..I'm going to take some more" and took another handful and walked out and I was in SHOCK. HAHAHA Its so horribly hilarious. Oh and final side note...she made me pass out on the floor of the bathroom trying to FORCE me to pee post-labor. I literally passed out on the ground and woke up to about 4 nurses trying to revive me and a freaked out husband..once again horribly hilarious. Don't worry, she got reported.

& Baby
Alice Mae Larson was born at 1:54am on January 25, 2014. She weighed 7lbs 13oz and was 21 inches long. Once the baby was on my chest it was SO SURREAL. I've never felt that kind of love and happiness...it really truly was all worth it. She was SO beautiful and I loved her unconditionally, INSTANTLY. I immediately knew how my mom feels about me..like really KNEW, which caused some guilt on my part for ever being sassy with my mom. Oh and mother's guilt starts the moment your child is born...and I hear it never goes away. I loved those first moments..Ben and I were in awe of her! We created this perfect little being together and she was all ours. I love that she will have a daddy like Ben to keep her safe and spoil her rotten. He is truly the best daddy and I can see the unconditional love he has for her and I know she can feel it. She LOVES him. I am so grateful that I've been chosen to be Alice's mom. I feel so lucky every time I look at her perfect face. I would do anything for her and I never want her to hurt. I will spend my whole life protecting her. I can't wait for all the years to come that I get to be with her and see her grow up. But for now I will hold onto my sweet little baby and hope for the years to pass slowly.

& Baby

So I've entered the world of "family blogging". Hopefully it turns out better than personal blogging...because when I read my personal blog, I want to crawl under a rock because it's so embarrassing (and no I won't give you the link). My life has changed so much in the past year. I'm MARRIED now which is super cool. Here's one of my favorite wedding pictures and proof that I really did get married.

So back in the beginning of May I discovered I was pregnant...WHAT. I know, I know that's what I said. The funny part is that Ben and I had just had a heated argument (fight) regarding the fact that there was no way we could have a baby until we got better with our money. The very next morning I was hell bent on going back on my birth control and I decided just to be safe I would take a test. Much to my dismay...I was pregnant. The line was SO faint that I was convinced it was a mistake! I came out of the bathroom and decided I would not tell Ben just yet (I know everyone says I'm horrible for this one). I went to work and on my way I called my sister Melanie and I was sure she was going to tell me it was a mistake and I probably wasn't pregnant, but of course she said "Rachel you're pregnant...you can't get a false positive. A line is a line even if it's faint" (and then she was really excited..). I hung up the phone... CRAP. I had a million negative thoughts running through my head. I knew I had to tell Ben right away. I broke all the Pinterest rules...I didn't give him a jewelry box with a pregnancy test nor did I have a large banner strung around the house to surprise him when he got home and I definitely didn't do a crafty scavenger hunt that would lead him to a pregnancy test where we would embrace and cry and jump up and down (first of all I would never embrace and cry...ever). I called him...right then...on my way to work and told him to go in the bathroom and look at the pregnancy test I hid in the cupboard. Which took a lot of explaining and I had to get him to find the box because he didn't get it. He was excited! He's been wanting a baby since day 1 of being married. The whole rest of the day I could not focus on my work...I felt a panic attack coming on every five seconds. I had told Aubry as soon as I got to work so she kept giving me excited glances and I would give them back but I was DYING inside. This went on for a couple weeks. After telling a couple people, I didn't get the best reactions (because they were worried...which is TOTALLY understandable). Poor Ben tried all the time to get me excited and I was just an emotional wreck...and I'm sure the nausea and pregnancy hormones weren't helping that. Now that I just told you how unhappy I was when I found out (hopefully I'm not the only one that has experienced that)...I will say that it definitely took a turn. I still have my worries and feel stressed but I'm so excited. I'm excited to be a mom...its something I have been looking forward to for SO LONG and I can't believe that its here. I hope that I can be the kind of mom that mine was to me. She is literally the best mom in the world and such an amazing example. I can't wait to see Ben as a dad. Just seeing him with our nieces and nephews makes me melt! I'm so glad that my kids will have an amazing daddy to teach them and be there every step of the way. I know that this baby will be such an enormous blessing in our lives and I'm so excited to start a new chapter (but not really excited to get fat) Now hopefully my child won't read this one day and think they were unwanted because this baby is so wanted and will bring Ben and I so much joy.

PS We went to the doctor last week. I am due January 17, 2014! Here's to hoping pregnancy will be kind to me....